Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

When we meet someone, we form mental and emotional impressions of them based on personal behavior, past experiences, and other characteristics. That collection of impressions, what I call their “image,” becomes who we know them to be and there’s a lot riding on it. It defines how we relate to them for the duration. But when there is a serious conflict, that perception can be radically altered, forever.

Unfortunately, the perceptions we have of people are incredibly fragile. It takes very little to destroy how others see you, transforming you instantly from a cherished friend or family member to persona non grata.

A mean-spirited word, a slammed door, or even a disconnected telephone can escalate things, and then we start to fight back. Whether or not we are in the right, it’s pretty natural to become defensive when words are weaponized, our character is put into question, or our feelings get hurt. Of course, that just makes it worse.

Amidst such a vehement exchange, personalities may seem to alter as you each posture for a fight. All at once, a person with whom you have had a long, trusting connection no longer recognizes you, nor you them. Their understanding of who you are is suddenly and forever changed and any safety within the relationship is seemingly lost forever in the heat of the moment.

So how would they see you then? What happens to the relationship? Can it be salvaged, or, some psychologists might ask, should it be salvaged? That depends on how often such things occur, the depth of the emotional injury, and the circumstances.

When these conflicts occur between the same people, it becomes harder for them to see each other in the same light as before. The previous state of the relationship may never be recovered. The only hope may be that both people are willing to work together to prevent it from happening again.

It should go without saying that everybody needs to be on the same page, they must know what they want out of the resolution. Are they trying to rebuild the relationship and see each other the way they did before? Or are they merely patching it, hoping the problem doesn’t resurface, but without any real strategy to prevent it?

When perceptions change significantly, it may not be possible to see each other as before, reducing any desire to resolve the problem in the first place. It might not seem worth it at that point. The question is, can you accept the other person for how you see them now and start over?

More importantly, were you seeing them accurately in the first place? How much of who they are in your eyes is based on who you wanted them to be? An argument might simply have revealed a side of them previously unseen. Then again, that could be your incomplete perception.

Reading back through these paragraphs, I realize I’ve given you a lot of questions and very few answers. That’s because each situation is different and the outcome depends on personal dynamics, emotions, and circumstances, there is no cookie-cutter solution. That said, as with so many things in life, communication is key.

Effective communication must be a two-way street with dialogue, understanding, and, most importantly, patients. Each person must be willing to do their best to understand the other’s point of view and work toward a positive resolution. A word of warning also, avoid dredging up old arguments because it will kill any hope of saving your relationship – let it go! And never underestimate the power of a sincere apology.

If you do manage to work things out, understand first that any relationship is an ongoing process requiring practice and patience, and it will be different than before, changed for the better. You’ll be moving forward from a more solid foundation.

I’m the first one to say this sounds like a bunch of self-help chicken soup. It certainly does, but sometimes that’s necessary. Still, I know that I’ve ruined my share of relationships because I was so worried about defending myself or being right that I forgot how much the other person meant to me. You can avoid that same stupid mistake.