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It’s OK not to drink

In Education, Health, Holiday, Media, Opinion, Uncategorized on December 22, 2023 at 6:30 am

 

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DEER IN HEADLINES

Special Extended Edition

BY GERY L. DEER

(Author’s Note: The following is an edited repost of an article originally published December 30, 2013)

I have never hidden the fact that I don’t drink alcohol. When I say that, I mean that I really don’t. When some people say it, what they are implying is that they don’t drink hard liquor, or they only have a beer at a baseball game or something. But trust me when I say, I don’t drink. Period. I just wanted to make that absolutely clear so what follows carries the proper weight.

An alumnus of one of the oldest national college fraternities – Sigma Phi Epsilon – I’ve never had an alcoholic beverage of any kind – nothing. I didn’t steer clear of the bubbly because of some religious or deep, philosophical reason. It just wasn’t part of my experience growing up and, fortunately, I never developed the interest.

To be quite honest, at this stage in my life, the very smell of the stuff, particularly beer, makes me kind of sick. That said, drinking is a big part of adult social and business functions and thus, alcohol-focused events are hard to avoid. I am well know how hard it can be to resist pressure from others. But, for those who are trying to steer clear of the juice, please try to remember that it’s OK NOT to drink. Really, it is.

Some people might think peer pressure is limited to the adolescent or collegiate years. Untrue Even as an adult, people are often pushed to drink alcohol at social and business events. Otherwise they feel ostracized or singled out.

Despite opinions to the contrary, it really is OK not to drink. Here are some ideas for anyone trying to abstain but who still wants to feel included in the fun of the party.

First, and this is really important, you must be comfortable with yourself and your decision not to indulge. If not, then you’ll probably make others feel uncomfortable too. Ambivalence with your own choices will result complacency and resignation. At that point, giving in will be your own decision and not because of peer pressure.

Next, always remember – and young people reading this please, please try to hang on to this concept –  if anyone takes issue with you’re not drinking, or pressures you in some way, the problem is with them, not you!

As I said earlier, I have no interest in drinking and nothing will change my mind. I am very comfortable with my choice and feel no need to explain it. But, people can be relentless, particularly as they grow more inebriated. There is nothing wrong with your choices and if others object, in my opinion, they’re people of questionable character.

So how do you decline? If offered, politely decline, but don’t make excuses. After all, unless you’ve been on some soapbox about abstinence, and I recommend you don’t do that, the offer was not made to offend you.

Just say something like, “No thanks. I’d really like a cup of tea (coffee, soda, whatever), though, if you have it?” It’s polite and expresses your appreciation for the offer.

It’s not a good idea to launch into some long-winded explanation, however, or rattle off a list of excuses about why you’re abstaining.

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I don’t have many close friends, who drink regularly, if at all, and those who do rarely do so in my presence. And, I’m rarely in a position where alcohol is any sort of focus of the event.

Oddly, the most baffling experiences I have had to deal with with in my non-alcoholic life is the expectation to defend my choice. It’s really kind of backwards to my own sense of logic.

Early on, I realized that many people who find out I don’t drink immediately think I’m some kind of religious nut or recovering alcoholic. I’m not. Hard to get hooked… no, let me rephrase that. It’s impossible to get hooked if you never start.

Still the question remains. Truth be told, I think it’s ridiculous that the sober guy in the room has to explain himself while all around him people are dropping, face first, into the toilet bowl. I just don’t get it.

So, my next piece of advice is to never defend yourself. Walk away or just change the subject and divert attentions elsewhere. Or you can simply be appreciative of their interest and just say, “Thanks, I just don’t want anything.”

Regardless of your reasons, I guarantee you’re not going to change anyone’s mind or alter their opinion of your choices, and you shouldn’t try. Plus, I’ve learned when someone takes so strong an issue with my not drinking, it’s generally because they carry some sense of guilt or other feelings about their own alcohol use and suddenly feel extremely self-conscious.

If you’re at a social or business gathering, carrying a decoy drink can help avoid questions from people – since most people are standing around with some sort of cup or glass in their hand. But, don’t pretend it is alcohol. In other words, avoid the mock-tail. There is no need to call attention to the drink in your hand.

Some people will advise you to accept an alcoholic drink and just hold it all night. No. That is not only pointless and dishonest, but could actually make you feel even more self-conscious. People will expect you to sip from your drink now and again during long conversations, so just have something else in your glass.

Participating and socializing, without any sort of focus on the refreshments, will also help you be more involved in the event. If, however, there is still a particularly high level of pressure on you to drink or otherwise be left out or ridiculed, you should extricate yourself from the situation. I would also recommend you rethink attending activities with the same group of people.

Regardless of other steps you might take to distract from your abstinence, never, ever try to change the behavior of others. A social or business function is not the proper setting for a personal mission or intervention. If you live alcohol-free because of some personal crusade, leave your soap box at home. No one will hear you and it’ll just serve to further ostracize you from others.

Once again, you have to be comfortable with yourself, but you need to accept that others have not chosen your way and booze is a way of life out there in the world. Deal with it. You, alone, have made the conscious decision to attend an event where alcohol is being served and to be included you must live and let live. Needless to say, if you see someone about to drink and drive, act accordingly as your circumstances permit.

Finally, always remember that there is no “down side” to abstaining from alcohol. None. Only good can come of it – that’s not something drinkers can say with any measure of confidence. When you don’t drink, you’re probably less likely to do things that have negative consequences. So, provided you don’t have some kind of a deviant propensity toward misbehavior anyway, you should make it through the event unscathed. Your social position may suffer, especially if you typically surround yourself with partiers. I say, it’s their loss. And to you I’d recommend finding a better group of friends – those who accept you for who you are, not what you drink.

Negative people have a negative effect on us. I have lost relationships of every kind because of my choice not to drink. “I don’t trust a man who doesn’t drink,” is a backwards way of thinking and a bit on the ignorant side, I might add. I’d say, logically, it should go the other way around, but I’d end up having to mistrust pretty much everyone outside my immediate family. Maybe a proper way to say it is, “It’d be hard for me to trust anyone who thinks the bottle in their hand is more important than a friend or family member.”

Consider what kind of a “friend” abandons you because you don’t want to use alcohol? If you were always a non-drinker, it’s probably easier for others to accept because they know from the start. But going on the wagon, for whatever reason, can be challenging. Once again, just remember that it’s OK not to drink. Just be yourself. It’s you that should matter to your friends and colleagues, not what’s in your glass.

Deer In Headlines and Gery Deer are brought to you courtesy of GLD Communications.

 

 

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Perception is reality

In Entertainment, Health, Opinion, psychology on October 24, 2023 at 12:46 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

British writer and theologian C.S. Lewis said, “What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.” Put simply, reality is based, not on fact, but instead on our personal perception of what we see and hear.  That said, it’s been my experience that not everyone has the same perception of reality.

Generally, I would imagine most of us trust our senses to deliver an accurate view of the world around us and then depend on our cognitive reasoning to help us comprehend it. It’s commonly known as, “perception.” Whatever the term, it simply means our view of things depends on how we interpret our surroundings. For instance, if I see a blue sky with clouds drifting by, I assume everyone else sees it too, right? Colorblindness notwithstanding, that all stands to reason.

But we all know people who walk around in more of an oblique version of reality. Often their reality is negative, dark, and painful, not to mention staggeringly inaccurate. Here’s what I mean. We all have a friend or family member who always seems to have it worse than everyone else. Regardless of how bad your case of the flu was last week; his experience was near death. Of course, it wasn’t, but that’s how he relates it to you.

This is known as catastrophizing and tends to be associated with various personality disorders. It can mean that the person behaves and thinks in ways that would be considered different than normal. And yes, I get that normal is relative and subjective. But here, I’m referring to someone with a mental health issue who is exhibiting behavior contrary to acceptable – or safe – social standards.

Sometimes those thoughts and emotions are caused by traumatic experiences and manifest themselves in other ways. I’m not a psychologist, but I do know that borderline personality disorder, for example, might include a strong fear of abandonment. It can cause the individual to always assume the worst about others. Thus, their view of reality – and people – may be somewhat distorted, altered by the painful experience of being left behind.

But what if there is no medical diagnosis for these issues? What if the person’s sense of reality just seems to be completely “out there?” Is that really a thing? How does it happen and is it an indication of mental illness? Probably, but it may never be diagnosed, let alone treated.

In my opinion, someone with a warped sense of reality also seems to be absent any sort of empathy or understanding, instead feeling like the world revolves around them.

It’s possible they’re unaware of their own character, feelings, motives, and desires, each of which helps to define who we are, and has a great influence on how we perceive and cope with the world around us. If you’re unable to see your own attributes, good and bad, then your sense of reality might be drastically altered as well, especially if you have no support system.

Someone like that might seem incredibly self-centered, narcissistic, or even paranoid and probably suffers from a strong persecution complex. It’s doubtful they even know that their behavior hurts those around them, damaging relationships, and even reinforcing abandonment issues because they push people away.

I’ve dealt with people like this, on some level, all my life. Most are completely unaware of their behavior or lack of awareness. At times some exhibit symptoms of bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and even factitious disorder (what they used to call Munchhausen syndrome) because they often fake or inflict illness to get attention.

Again, we are tiptoeing around various levels of mental illness and I reemphasize that I am not a psychologist. These are simply my personal observations based on some education and limited experience. Mental healthcare is incredibly lacking in the United States, horribly curtailed by ignorance, stigma, and decades-old misinformation.

So, if someone you know is exhibiting these behaviors, please discuss it with someone close to them or seek out a mental health professional to help. Your doctor, local behavioral health agency, or public health department can help find the right resource.

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Don’t Panic!

In Books, Education, Entertainment, Health, Opinion, psychology, Uncategorized on October 17, 2023 at 7:50 am

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

Don’t panic! That’s rarely what you want to hear at those crazy moments when, odds are panicking is exactly the thing you should be doing. The dictionary defines “panic” as a sudden, uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior. Reactions vary widely, from a little nervousness to a full-on panic attack, complete with hyperventilation, rapid pulse, excessive perspiration, and much more.

Fortunately, I’ve never really been someone who panics. I’m generally calm in high-stress situations. Adrenaline probably creates a false sense of clarity and focus. I would say I’ve experienced anxiety, tension, and worry, but nothing I would call panic. It made me wonder, what makes you panic? It’s likely that you’re not alone in your apprehension. So, here are some things that commonly make people panic.

Number one on the list, meeting the potential in-laws for the first time. This is a great one. Symptoms include sweaty palms, a terrible sense of inadequacy, and the feeling that you just swallowed a lizard – and it desperately wants to come back up.

Next up is the dreaded job interview. You spend the days and hours ahead of the big moment researching, reading self-help blogs about how to prepare for interviews, and generally freak out. And talk about sweaty palms, you nearly break into a human sprinkler system just sitting in the lobby waiting for your turn. That bouncing knee, what even causes that?

What about being stuck in an elevator? Do you panic then? It might be comforting to know that fewer than 50 people die in elevator-related accidents every year in the United States. Fatalities range from falling cars to being caught in the doors between floors. Gruesome! But, what are the odds of you being one of those people? You have a better chance of being hit by lightning or winning the lottery, now that should bring on some panic.

You’re lazily riding your bicycle down the street and suddenly realize the neighbor’s Jack Russel is out and has slipped his tether. There is nothing more panic-inducing than a small dog chasing you on a bike. I never worry about the big dogs; they give up at the end of the driveway. But the little ones, oh dear! Just pedal faster and don’t turn around!

A first date. More sweaty palms, overthinking your clothes, and whether your car is cool enough to impress your date. Will you say the wrong thing, talk too much, or manage to seem interesting enough to get a second date? So much at stake and yet nothing at all.

Something I never thought of before – automatic flushers in public bathrooms. My niece shared with me that some people are afraid that the toilet will flush while they’re sitting on it. It’s the anticipation of when the flush happens that apparently induces the anxiety.

Oh, and remember the panic you felt back in grade school that accompanied report card day? (Yes, I’m old. Grade reports were once on paper.) Brow-soaking worry would set in about the grades the comments be, and, above all, will Mom or Dad sign it.

Vacation is supposed to be a relaxing, fun time with family and friends, a break from stress and worry. So, imagine you’re out on the open road and you just passed the first exit you’ve seen for hours and, suddenly, your car’s “low fuel” light comes on. The gas gage is bouncing on “E” and now you start to worry. Will you make it to the next exit? Your car isn’t fancy enough to have the estimated fuel and mileage indicator so you’re in the dark. How much gas do you have left? Can you make it to the next exit?

What else can induce panic? How do you combat those feelings? Sometimes you can avoid things, but often, you just have to face whatever it is, head on, and move forward. Panic is caused by feelings spun up by thoughts. When I feel anxious or worried, I do my best to try to alter my thoughts, which, hopefully, will change my feelings and I can remain calm. Maybe you can find some practice that will help you do the same.

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And just like that …

In Children and Family, Health, Opinion, sociology, Sports News, Travel, Uncategorized on September 26, 2023 at 9:53 am

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

I don’t manage downtime very well, and I’ve never been too keen on vacations. But occasionally, my family convinces me to close my laptop for a few days and park myself in front of a campfire. We pitch a tent, make s’mores, and spend some time canoeing or kayaking down some lazy river. So, after months of work with little to no breaks, it was time to hit the campground again.

We had a beautiful day for the kayaking trip this year, bright, sunny, and warm. I was in the front seat of a canoe and a friend had the rear orr, while all around various kayaks and tubers drifted downstream alongside. That area of southern Ohio’s Hocking River isn’t particularly deep, but some parts can be treacherous, and deceptively quiet on the surface with many large rocks and a heavy undertow.

Down the river, we could see what’s best described as a traffic jam opposite a sandbar we were closing in on. A clump of tubers had stopped, and many were out of their boats on the sand yelling at approaching kayakers to avoid a fast-moving section of the river.

A moment later, I could hear why they were so insistent. About 20 yards away, there was someone in the water pleading for help. A woman’s kayak capsized, and she was up to her neck in the heavy current, unable to move. Broadsided by the current, we paddled hard to get as close as we could to her and safely beached the canoe on a sandy bank nearby.

A moment later I was out of the canoe and up to my waist in the turbulent undercurrent as it slammed into my legs, nearly dragging me under as well (thank goodness for all the cycling). When the woman’s kayak overturned, her shorts caught on one of the rocks, where she fought to keep her face clear to breathe.

People get badly injured and even die on these trips because, on the surface, the water looks serene and calm, like a gently flowing stream. Beneath it’s a swirl of eddies and violent undertow. When I finally reached the woman, were both dangerously close to being swept toward yet more dangerous rocks just ahead.

Luckily, my first impulse was to grab her life jacket – yes, you really need to wear one! I caught the loop on the back then linked one arm through the arm across and under the back, which gave me leverage to keep her head above water and prevent her from being taken by the current.

I kept her head up, reassuring her that she would be alright. Just then, a woman from the tubing group waded towards us from the opposite side. Lifting from each side, she helped me drag the victim backward against the current to where the water was only a few inches deep. Several other boaters came up to help and we lifted her to her feet, shaky but alright. Someone had secured her kayak as well.

Before we went our separate ways, the woman hugged us all and thanked us for our help before getting back in her kayak to finish her trip. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Her determination to keep going is a testament to her calm demeanor during the event. Without everyone working together, though, her life might have been changed forever.

This wasn’t the first time I’d been in a crisis like this. I never hesitated to step into the dangerous current because I never even considered anything else. Someone was in trouble, and I could help. It was a relief to see how many others did too.

That day was a vivid reminder there are still good people in the world. What could have been a deadly tragedy instead had a happy ending for all. People risked their own safety to save someone else. It makes me believe that there is hope for humanity after all.

There is no way to know how our day will turn out when we get up in the morning. After all, it was supposed to be a relaxing canoe trip, but, just like that, it became a life-and-death moment.

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A House Divided

In Dayton Ohio News, Education, finances, Food, Health, history, Local News, News Media, Opinion, Politics, psychology, Senior Lifestyle, Uncategorized on September 2, 2023 at 2:47 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

When I restarted this series after a 5-year hiatus, I decided to steer away from politics, religion, and other hot-button topics in favor of more personal subjects. That said, I’ll dip a toe into that pool only enough to express my concern at the level of divisiveness now facing our country and who actually pays the price for it.

The political climate in America today is toxic, with no end in sight. Everything is viewed only from one side by an ill-informed, angry citizenry and uncompromising elected, uncivilized government officials. Over the long haul, we simply can’t function that way. Our legislators must work together in order to govern, even to manage the most basic issues. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely to change when the only people getting attention are the radical extremists.

Regardless of your ethnic background, or whether you’re conservative, liberal, or whatever, surely there are things we can all agree on, right? For instance, instead of spending hours on cable TV news bickering about who caused inflation, wouldn’t our collective energy be better spent on ways to help people get through it? Meanwhile, our dedicated elected officials spend taxpayer money riding around in limousines, secure in their healthcare, paychecks, and benefits, all guaranteed long after they’ve left office.

More absurd is that, in the most powerful and wealthiest country on Earth, there are still people who can’t get enough food, shelter, or other necessities – particularly the elderly, veterans, and children. No, it’s beyond absurd, it’s criminal. This problem affects everyone. The number of working poor continues to grow, most of my family included. Most people are only a paycheck or two from ruin. All it takes is one major catastrophe and boom, we’re on the street. Regardless, people from every side are too busy waving flags and hating each other’s politics to care or do anything about it.

Recently, I did some work at a food pantry and had the opportunity to learn more about the mission of these organizations. I am shocked about how necessary they are in so many communities. In just one year, the number of families served might double, so they must continually find new ways to meet the constantly growing demand.

You might be surprised to know that the people who most need services like this are not homeless or indigent. They are instead the working poor, single-parent families, and, sadly, veterans. No one should feel ashamed of taking help from those who offer it. But I can’t imagine how hard must be for someone who proudly served our country and then is forced to go to a food pantry just to have enough to eat.

The number of military families and veterans who need various types of assistance is also surprising. They include elderly or disabled veterans, military wives and husbands with young children trying to make ends meet while their spouses are deployed, families of all ages and backgrounds, and the kids, wow. Watching a child’s eyes light up over a book or something as simple as a Twinkie or a fresh piece of fruit can be simultaneously enlightening and heartbreaking.

Again, while the politicians ride around in limousines and kowtow to mindless followers during ridiculous cult-like rallies, the people they claim to be fighting for wait in lines at food pantries. They have no money, little healthcare, and a veteran affairs system that’s so broken it needs to be razed and rebuilt from the ground up.

These issues aren’t conservative or liberal, Muslim, Jewish, or Christian. We are so blinded by ridiculous ideologies and political divisiveness that we can’t see the real responsibilities facing our country – poverty, homelessness, substance abuse, an ever-changing job market, and so much more. Certainly, we could all get together on some of these things. Nope, it’s just not going to happen.

The people I meet in these situations don’t want handouts. They want to be understood and for their elected legislature to work for not against them. But until we put down the flags, turn off the news, and choose to be better human beings, nothing will change. So, all I have left to say is to quote my favorite president. “A house divided cannot stand.”

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My Closest Calls

In Health, Local News, Opinion, psychology, Technology, Uncategorized on July 9, 2023 at 10:27 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

One bright, sunny summer day almost 30 years ago, I was driving my brother’s grain truck along a quiet country road near Spring Valley, Ohio. About a quarter mile ahead, my Dad drove his own truck, leading the way to where we would be collecting a load of hay. Our trucks were big, 6-wheeled, lift-bed grain boxes, about 10 tons each, and Dad was always leery about moving too fast on those old back roads, so we were just taking our time.

Just a few miles from our destination, a cement truck whizzed past him in the oncoming lane. It was the big kind with a small, metal cage for a cab, a long barrel with the engine trailing behind, and large balloon-like tires. I heard his voice over the CB radio warning me to beware as it approached. Barely a moment later, I was eye to eye with the driver as suddenly an explosion of glass, tearing metal, and a cloud of dust engulfed me. Our two massive steel machines had collided, left front fender to left front fender, and the sound was like nothing I can adequately describe.

It was over as instantly as it had happened. What only seconds before had been a clean, powerful machine, and the center of my brother’s livelihood, was now little more than a pile of scrap. I had done what I could at the instant of impact to stop the vehicle. But, it was no use, the pedals were no longer connected to anything – neither was the steering wheel. As it came to rest, the truck’s lower frame plowed into the asphalt, like the Titanic’s bow crashing into the ocean floor. The cab and running board were severely damaged, the mirror shattered, and the door was caved in. The front axle and wheels were gone and the steering shaft snapped off. Moreover, there was no sign of my assailant. The cement truck was gone!

Behind the motionless, dead hulk of my truck, in a hay field, nearly a quarter of a mile away lay the twisted wreckage of the cement truck. It had telegraphed off of my truck, slamming into my frame multiple times, rolled behind me at full speed, and snapped off a power pole at its base – leaving a transformer suspended in mid-air by its cable. Then it spun out of control, careened down a long hill, and came to rest, upside down and backward. By some bizarre miracle, the driver, wearing no seatbelt and, according to the police investigation, moving twice my speed, had managed to survive relatively unhurt, as did I.

This is the truck … after.

Oddly, the casualties were limited to the two trucks and my Dad’s wits – as in frightened out of. He had to watch it all happen to me in his rearview mirror. By the time my truck had come to a stop, he’d bailed out of his and was running toward me yelling my name to see if I was OK. I was far more worried about him, though. 

I’d never seen him that shaken, out of breath, pale. When he saw I was unhurt he seemed to calm down. I was busy tossing my belongings out of the open, or rather, shattered, window, and trying to figure out how to get the door open. Once I was sure both Dad and I were OK, I told him to go check on the other driver while I used my cell to call for help. A few minutes later, I heard sirens coming up the road, and within moments the county sheriff’s deputies arrived. All would be OK – at least until my brother got there. Yikes! But that’s a story for another time. 

I will forever appreciate how fortunate I was that day. I can’t imagine what would have happened had either truck been a few inches one way or another. Life’s a gamble, every day. I think we always need to recognize how quickly things can change direction – through no fault or action of our own. Appreciate the positives, stay strong through the negatives. And remember, to live your best life. You never know what turns it might take one day.

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The First 10 Miles

In Children and Family, Education, Health, Opinion, psychology, Senior Lifestyle, sociology, Uncategorized on July 1, 2023 at 1:40 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

I took up long-distance tour cycling in 2017 to give some direction to my fitness routine. I am definitely no gym rat, but I needed to improve my health, and exercise for its own sake was, at least to me, mind-numbing. Preparing for long bicycle tours provided a tangible goal and kept me more engaged.

Growing up in the middle of nowhere, a bike was the only way I could get around, especially when the nearest neighbor kid was a couple of miles away. But this was a different challenge. With higher speeds, longer distances, and greater safety risks, I had a great deal to learn. 

I took the time to learn everything I could about endurance cycling, from choosing the right equipment to managing my food. The first year, I rode about 5 days a week, covering anywhere between six and 12 miles per day, while also maintaining my core and strength exercises.  

With practice, study, and the right workout regimen, my speed, distance, and endurance all improved. That first summer, I completed two, 100-mile, or “century,” rides. Since then, I’ve done six more, averaging two per year. 

I’d never been so driven to accomplish something that physical. I basically became an athlete, and that was never on my radar. Plus, it was as much mental as physical, maybe more. My friends and family probably thought I’d lost it. At 49 years old, I was in the best health of my life and broke physical barriers put in place from the day I was born. It required careful planning, long hours in the saddle, conditioning, and determination.

Any challenging goal always has prerequisites. Maybe you call them milestones or baby steps, whatever. The point is that these smaller goals help measure your progress and keep your eye on the prize. There are no “hacks” to anything worth doing and, if you find one, it’s probably going to rob you of valuable lessons and potentially derail the whole effort. 

The problem with most long-term goals is that people sometimes try to jump to the end, skipping vital steps. People who quit smoking cold turkey, for example, often fail because there are no step-downs to help eliminate, not just the addiction, but the habits that feed it. With cycling, you have to learn to ride 5 miles before you tackle 10, which leads to 20, and so on. More importantly, it might take time and practice to recognize each stage of achievement and what it means to your overall success.

For instance, my average training ride is around 20 miles, but even now, I struggle a bit in the first 6-8. I feel awkward, uncomfortable, and unfocused. It can be discouraging, sometimes even painful. But, as I push ahead, everything starts to smooth out around the 10-mile mark. My body settles into the bike, my cadence has a rhythm, my speed and efficiency improvements, and I become more mentally focused. 

My typical goal is generally far more than 10 miles, but I’ve learned to value that milestone because of its significance to my final goal. When you understand which smaller steps have the greatest impact on your final goal, each subsequent step becomes easier and more valuable. 

Recently I participated in the shortest organized cycling event I’ve ever ridden – 21 miles. There is no fanfare for a ride like this, just people who want to ride in a supported event with fellow cyclists. As expected, the first half of the ride was a little slow and clunky. 

I didn’t have the speed or rhythm I wanted, and the distance didn’t give me much time to “get into it.” But I pressed on, and, just like always, around the 10-mile mark, everything shook out and I even managed to set a speed record for myself. But I learned something different from the experience.

My “first 10 miles” could also be a metaphor for recognizing our strengths or shortcomings as we work toward any goal. Manageable, short-term accomplishments make the overall effort more rewarding. Hopefully, moving forward we learn and adjust, keeping a clear vision of the finish line. Before too long you’ve met your goal and your obstacles are in the rear-view mirror.

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A sharper image

In Children and Family, Education, Health, Opinion, Uncategorized on June 23, 2023 at 4:36 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

When we meet someone, we form mental and emotional impressions of them based on personal behavior, past experiences, and other characteristics. That collection of impressions, what I call their “image,” becomes who we know them to be and there’s a lot riding on it. It defines how we relate to them for the duration. But when there is a serious conflict, that perception can be radically altered, forever.

Unfortunately, the perceptions we have of people are incredibly fragile. It takes very little to destroy how others see you, transforming you instantly from a cherished friend or family member to persona non grata.

A mean-spirited word, a slammed door, or even a disconnected telephone can escalate things, and then we start to fight back. Whether or not we are in the right, it’s pretty natural to become defensive when words are weaponized, our character is put into question, or our feelings get hurt. Of course, that just makes it worse.

Amidst such a vehement exchange, personalities may seem to alter as you each posture for a fight. All at once, a person with whom you have had a long, trusting connection no longer recognizes you, nor you them. Their understanding of who you are is suddenly and forever changed and any safety within the relationship is seemingly lost forever in the heat of the moment.

So how would they see you then? What happens to the relationship? Can it be salvaged, or, some psychologists might ask, should it be salvaged? That depends on how often such things occur, the depth of the emotional injury, and the circumstances.

When these conflicts occur between the same people, it becomes harder for them to see each other in the same light as before. The previous state of the relationship may never be recovered. The only hope may be that both people are willing to work together to prevent it from happening again.

It should go without saying that everybody needs to be on the same page, they must know what they want out of the resolution. Are they trying to rebuild the relationship and see each other the way they did before? Or are they merely patching it, hoping the problem doesn’t resurface, but without any real strategy to prevent it?

When perceptions change significantly, it may not be possible to see each other as before, reducing any desire to resolve the problem in the first place. It might not seem worth it at that point. The question is, can you accept the other person for how you see them now and start over?

More importantly, were you seeing them accurately in the first place? How much of who they are in your eyes is based on who you wanted them to be? An argument might simply have revealed a side of them previously unseen. Then again, that could be your incomplete perception.

Reading back through these paragraphs, I realize I’ve given you a lot of questions and very few answers. That’s because each situation is different and the outcome depends on personal dynamics, emotions, and circumstances, there is no cookie-cutter solution. That said, as with so many things in life, communication is key.

Effective communication must be a two-way street with dialogue, understanding, and, most importantly, patients. Each person must be willing to do their best to understand the other’s point of view and work toward a positive resolution. A word of warning also, avoid dredging up old arguments because it will kill any hope of saving your relationship – let it go! And never underestimate the power of a sincere apology.

If you do manage to work things out, understand first that any relationship is an ongoing process requiring practice and patience, and it will be different than before, changed for the better. You’ll be moving forward from a more solid foundation.

I’m the first one to say this sounds like a bunch of self-help chicken soup. It certainly does, but sometimes that’s necessary. Still, I know that I’ve ruined my share of relationships because I was so worried about defending myself or being right that I forgot how much the other person meant to me. You can avoid that same stupid mistake.

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The Unexpected Banana

In Economy, Health, Local News, Opinion, psychology, sociology, Sports News, Uncategorized on June 19, 2023 at 8:17 pm

Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

Did the headline of a news story ever leave you scratching your head, at least until you read the whole thing? Well, this is probably one of those stories and it begins, however odd it may seem, with a banana.

Once a week, I play basketball at the local YMCA, not with a team or anything, but just for exercise. On one of those days, a particularly nice, spring day, I was approached at the front door by a woman with a crate of bananas. “Would you like a banana?” she asked, cheerfully presenting the open box as if it were something from a jewelry counter display.

I honestly didn’t have an answer right off. It really wasn’t the kind of question I was expecting on the way into the gym. The more poignant question that immediately consumed me was, why is there a woman with a crate of bananas at the entrance to the YMCA?

A bit thrown by the random offer of fruit, I finally realized there were a half-dozen other people with her, all in athletic attire, and carrying signs and tables into a truck. As it turned out, I arrived just as a running event was closing, a 5K or the like. The box of fruit was what remained of the bananas provided to the runners at the support stations. So, never one to look a gift plantain in the peel, I gratefully accepted.

To most, a free banana might not, at first glance, seem like a life-changing incident. But, to me, it was at least thought-provoking; not because of the banana, but the spontaneous gift it represented. It’s not like I was having a particularly bad day in the first place, but that one, small action changed it, lightened my thoughts, and gave me a feeling I couldn’t quite express at the time.

As I settled into my basketball routine, I dropped the banana into my gym bag and set it aside. But I kept thinking about the randomness of having received such a thing, in such a random way, at such a random time. So, after a few minutes, I went back to it.

Strangely enough, I opened the banana and proceeded to eat it, while simultaneously dribbling and shooting a basket here and there. I would imagine I was a pretty strange sight, but what did I care? I had a banana – an unexpected banana.

I have to say, I never considered a piece of fruit as what might generally be considered “comfort food,” but that’s how it felt at the moment. There was something about this curious food, botanically categorized as a berry (I know! Weird, right?) that generated a strange and calm feeling of gratitude. What I felt was a level of contentment as I wandered around the court, shooting the ball, and munching away, oblivious to pretty much anything else – at least until the banana was gone.

I’m fairly certain the lady who gave it to me had no idea what an impact she made on one person’s day. I mean, it was just a banana, and she was trying to unload a box full of them so they wouldn’t be wasted. Still, there I was, my day lifted, my jump shot better – don’t be too impressed, it’s a low bar – and I was just happy. I had a banana.

So why should my banana story, umm… appeal to you? Come on, you knew I had to, right? Because something ordinary can be special if you let it. Because in the chaos of daily life, all the noise, distractions, and stresses, unanticipated treasures are all around us. We each have the power to let them move us, even if only for a few moments.

When you think about it, people are always searching for some kind of inner peace, a tranquility that seems more elusive and empty every day. Usually, we scratch our way through life, searching for even a hint of such thoughtful enlightenment by artificial means. But sometimes a quiet moment of unexpected joy and calm can emanate from the most unusual but ubiquitous source. Sometimes all we really need is for someone to give us a banana.

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What we both knew…

In Children and Family, Dayton Ohio News, Education, Health, Local News, Opinion, psychology, Senior Lifestyle, Uncategorized on June 12, 2023 at 9:57 am

Deer In Headlines II – SPECIAL EDITION

By Gery Deer

(Author’s Note: I am publishing this ahead of the normal print schedule because the events took place exactly 3 years ago on the date of this posting. I hope it will comfort people and help them recognize and appreciate that time when it comes – because, sadly, it will.)

While caring for my father, I did some journaling as his Parkinson’s disease advanced. The following is an excerpt from the painful day we both accepted the inevitable and how lonely a feeling it was for both of us.

Friday, June 12, 2020. Dad and I were sitting down to breakfast on the screen porch of my house. He’d been living with me for about eight months and, although he preferred spending his day in his recliner, I did my best to make sure he had as much fresh air and sunshine as possible.

By then, he needed help feeding himself, so I always took my meals at the same time. Sometimes he was talkative in the morning, commenting on a TV news story or counting rabbits in the backyard. But today he was quiet and struggling.

We had a really bad night, which had become the norm over the last several weeks. The insomnia caused by his illness was relentless and he grew increasingly restless and anxious by the day. Neither of us had slept more than a full hour that night. By morning, we were both more exhausted than the night before.

Most people are familiar with the tremors and involuntary movements associated with Parkinson’s. But it can also produce dementia, dramatic personality shifts, and even violent behavior – occasionally, all three. Fortunately, my father’s issues weren’t that severe. Instead, he suffered a kind of subconscious agitation, like a whirring mind that wouldn’t let him rest. As his neurological system decayed, it robbed him of the ability to sleep, often until exhaustion set in. It was as if his body’s electrical system was shorting out from some long, slow cascade failure.

This picture wasn’t the same day as the story recounted here, but it was a couple of days prior. Same spot, same circumstances.

All along, Dad had outwardly rejected his diagnosis, repeatedly asking the doctors, nurses, and therapists questions like, “They tell me I have this Parkinson’s disease. What is it?” He never accepted their answers. I think he was just hoping if he asked enough people someone would say everyone else was wrong and he’d be OK.

By this time, though, Dad was far worse than any of us realized. Although it didn’t register consciously, he was in fact in a great deal of pain which worsened at night. It left him painfully restless, and he couldn’t even tell us why. He had fought hard but was losing the battle – and he was becoming aware of it. So was I.

At breakfast that morning, I noticed he was very quiet and barely eating. When he became aware of my interest, he turned and said, in a raspy, enervated voice, “What’s happenin’ to me, Ger?” His eyes were tired, afraid, his expression pained and desperate. I didn’t know how to comfort him. “I don’t know, Dad,” I said. “But we’re not going anywhere, you won’t be alone.” I rubbed his back a bit, as he’d done for me so many times when I lay in a hospital bed as a child, and I realized how helpless and frightened he and Mom must have been.

We sat in silence for a long moment, both powerless, tired, and desperate to cast this burden on anyone who happened by, just to be rid of it. I helped him finish his breakfast and we stared out at the backyard for a long time as the morning sun poured over us through the windows. I didn’t say anything. He didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes, I took our breakfast dishes to the kitchen. When I came back I paused just out of his sight. He was motionless, silent, his head bowed as if in prayer. I didn’t move. I just watched him for a while. My Dad, once a strong, proud man, now reduced to a shell of himself – so alone, tired, helpless, and very sad. And I couldn’t save him. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

He finally raised his head and looked over at me. I sat down with him again and did my best to hide my expression, but I think he knew. We both knew. “Ready to go to your chair?” I said, choking back more tears. “Yeah. I’ll go to my chair.” Just 18 days later, he was gone.

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