Deer In Headlines II

By Gery Deer

Early 20th-century poet and screenwriter Dorothy Parker once wrote, “I do not like my state of mind.” One of the founders of the Algonquin Roundtable, she was known for her dark, snarky writings and suffered from what we know now was likely debilitating depression. Anyone can be overtaken by feelings of depression, sadness, and self-doubt.

No matter what your personality, there are times in your life when you’ve probably felt riddled with self-doubt or depression, like even the ordinary challenges of daily life seem either insurmountable or pointless. It’s not unusual, and you’re not alone.

I deal with all of those things too, probably more than you might think. I don’t think I’m clinically depressed – then again, who does? I’m no addict or alcoholic – I don’t drink at all, so at least that’s certain. I can say, though, that Mrs. Parker’s words have haunted me of late – “I do not like my state of mind.”

I’m comforted, at least, that I recognize how I’m feeling. Some people don’t. I am usually confident, motivated, and encouraging, so such emotions can be quite unsettling. It’s also possible that someone like me might be more likely to experience the opposite to a higher degree than expected. I’d guess the overall effects depend on the individual.

It sounds hokey, but I really do see things like failures and challenges as opportunities – most of the time. With all life throws at us, I’ve managed to keep moving forward. Still, this dark mindset can settle in like someone dropped a blanket over my head. I feel trapped, unkind, angry, defensive, and frustrated, and my usual assemblage of talent, whatever that is, escapes me. Any sense of motivation or inspiration isn’t just fleeting. It’s… nonexistent, there’s a flood of self-doubt, and I start to second-guess everything.

Are all my efforts completely in vain? Am I too old to be useful anymore? Does anything I do really even matter or have value to anyone – did it ever? The greatest hits just keep playing on a loop. My usual confident optimism moves out of reach as if someone stuck it on the highest shelf and hid the stepstool.

I start to question whether I’ve just been fooling myself all this time and I’m not really good at anything. What is it called today? “Imposter Syndrome?” Or maybe I am just a “poser,” as the kids say. I could panic were I prone to it.

And don’t get me started on how relationships contribute to the malaise. We constantly lose colleagues, friends, family members, and clients, and I’m never sure how or why. Sadly, I’ve learned that relationships tend to be more transactional than we’d care to admit to ourselves. It’s pretty disappointing.

Oh, and the holidays are coming. The demand for holiday spirit isn’t just a burden. It’s downright debilitating. Compared to me, the Grinch would seem more like one of the Brady kids.

I have got to get out of this! But how? I can’t be social right now, ugh. Sunshine helps sometimes, but outside, it’s pouring, dark, and cold. Exercise and cycling can take some of the edge off, and writing. Sometimes work helps, but business has slowed – which I’m sure has contributed to all of this in a big way.

Don’t worry, though. I always snap out of it. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s incredibly hard sometimes, but I have to work through it on my own. Admittedly, I rarely share when I’m dealing with such a state of mind, even with family or friends, and it’s doubtful anyone has a clue. I rarely articulate my feelings very well, so I usually do better alone rather than trying to explain my state of mind.

Remember that we don’t always know what people are dealing with on the inside. Even if they want to talk about what’s going on, they may not feel safe doing so.

 I understand how hard it is to pull yourself out of those dark places. If you’re feeling this way, try to do something that helps you feel better. If that fails, maybe seek help. Talk to a friend or family member or even your doctor.

Deer In Headlines and Deer In Headlines II are media properties of Gery L. Deer and GLD Enterprises Communications, Ltd., who is also the copyright holder. The product is distributed via The Jamestown Comet.com (A property of GLD Communications), and by Green County Newspapers / The Xenia Daily Gazette by special permission.